My Statement To The World! (AKA My Online Journal.)
My name is Noel A. Bednaz and I have written this document because I have some important things to tell the world about myself. Since the fragile age of 7, I have lived in a world of pain. All I know is pain. I never really experienced true happiness. I am living a miserable existence which is not worthy of being classified as a life. Most recently, a man named Dennis decided it was time for me to lose my mere existence too and any chances for a happy, productive future. Dennis's Yahoo groups were getting attacked not too long ago and he blamed it all on me without just cause. He claims he had just cause but I disagree. I was set up to take the fall for someone else. I reported his groups for several Terms Of Service violations and as a result, all 13 of his groups were removed. He's on the war path against me because of it. He blames ME for all the foul things that were posted and it was NOT me. I have witnesses who can back me up on this. My first and last name was posted in the groups among other bad things and that is the reason why they were removed. I didn't do a damn thing wrong! Now, after having gone through 22 years of pain, I am forced to go through more pain because of Dennis's false allegations and hate towards me. He truly hates me. The way I see it, he would rather see me suffer for eternity rather than live the rest of my days in peace. I feel at this time, I would be better off dead. Dennis will NEVER leave me alone until I am dead. I'm already dead mentally and emotionally anyway. Once I am physically dead, he won't have me to kick around anymore. He will then have to seek out another sucker and I highly doubt he will ever find another one like me. He is currently using law enforcement and his slanderous website titled: "Internet Stalker: Noel Title Necessary" to make me suffer more. NONE of the statements on the site are true but Dennis has everyone believing the worst about me. Because of him, everyone thinks that I'M the stalker when in fact I'm NOT. I am the VICTIM! NOT the stalker! The site also contains my Social Security number which not only directly invades my privacy but leaves me at risk for being a fraud victim in addition to the stalking and harassment I'm currently being forced to endure. I already had to close down my bank account and open a new 1 after someone got my Social Security number off the site and used it to get access to my bank account.  I have considered suicide as an option to get away from Dennis. I would rather die than go through any more pain in this worthless existence of mine. Death seems to be the only way out for me. I have no future because of Dennis. Because of him,  I do not have the right to live in peace. I do not have the right to a promising future. I do not have the right to live among civilized people. I do not have the right to fairness.  I do not have the right to even breathe. The only thing I'm intitled to is pain and misery for all eternity. I might as well be dead completely.  I'm almost there anyway. You see, I am a gay female with emotional problems and anger management problems. Being gay leaves me open for discrimination and my other problems cause me to make bad decisions. Because of Dennis, my recovery and progress is being  jeopardized. I don't honestly feel I will make it through this current situation alive. Dennis has totally ruined any chances I have for a future or a life. I have nothing left to live for except my loved ones and I'm about to lose them too because Dennis has gone to great lengths to make sure I am NEVER happy again. My death is the only thing that will bring me happiness now. Dennis doesn't care. He wants to see me suffer. It makes him happy to cause grief on me and others around me who love me. At least if I am dead, he can't hurt me anymore and I will be truly happy at last. My spirit will finally be at peace. I want to die more than anything in the world right now because of all this. I have had enough. When I think about how all this started in 2001 with a conversation about cats on a John Lennon discussion group run by Dennis, I wish I had never joined the group at all. I made a horrible mistake by joining that group. If I could only turn back time, I would do everything completely different. I would have joined another group instead of his and I definitely would have been more cautious in who I dealt with online. Now, because of the mistakes I made in the past and the false allegations against me, I feel I'm going to die from all the stress being placed on me. I have been wrongly accused of so many things by Dennis it's terrible. He even claims I made hurtful remarks about his dead mother which I don't even remember doing. I know Dennis is hurt about his mother's death and I'm truly sorry if I said anything cross about her in 2001 but he said some bad things too. I don't recall saying anything bad about her but he insists I did. I honestly don't remember for sure. Back then, I wanted to hurt Dennis like he hurt me so it's very possible in a moment of rage I said something I shouldn't have. That's all in the past now though. I have tried my hardest to refrain from EVER saying anything bad to Dennis again. I have made an honest attempt to get my life back in order but I see now that will NEVER happen. I have been going to therapy regularly and even praying more but still I know I won't make it through this mess alive. I am going to die. It's all for the best I suppose. Death is not an end but rather a beginning to me. I know my pot of gold lies at the end of God's rainbow. I can't wait to see my grandmother again and tell her I love her and how sorry I am for hurting her in my youth. I was hurting inside so I hurt others. I know I was wrong but I was young and stupid. Now I'm old and stupid. I am nothing. All I'm good for is to be used, abused, and tossed away in the trash. Dennis has made sure I retain the position of being trash. He doesn't care. My life is over now and he is happy. When I was sent to live at Our Lady Of Providence Children's Center at the age of  7 because of my behavioral problems, I was abused in every sense of the word which has made me the angry, traumatized person I am today. I was thrown out in the snow naked, beaten, and starved by the staff members. I was also abused mentally, physically, and emotionally. I used to run away a lot because of the abuse. While I was out there, I would walk around and wish for a beautiful life. I finally was able to accomplish that goal when I met my soul mate Katherine and now it's all ruined because Dennis insists on making me suffer forever. There is no longer any hope left for me. My death will be just the warm welcome to peace I need. I have nothing left now. It's all gone because of Dennis who prefers to hold the past against me rather than let me go on my merry way. Once I'm dead, all the pain will be over. I will be free at last. I'm still hoping he will get tired of hurting me and leave me alone but I honestly don't think that will EVER happen since he is so fixated on me. Death seems to be the only way out for me. All I ever wanted was peace and happiness but I fear can't even have that now. Sometimes I feel I should have killed myself a long time ago but I still hold onto the hope that things will get better. 1 can only hope. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ SPECIAL UPDATE! Since I first wrote my story on this page, I have been working very hard to overcome all the trauma my stalker has inflicted on me and so far, I'm doing much better than I was before. I have a wonderful therapist who is currently working with me to help me cope with the abuse I have suffered and I'm beginning to have a greater sense of self worth. I refuse to let my stalker dominate the rest of my life and no matter how many times he tries to silence me and manipulate others into believing his lies about me, I will continue to tell my story to the world in hopes that others will also find the courage just as I have to stand up tall against those who attack them and other innocent people. It also helps me to feel better by telling my story and getting it all off my chest. This pain and fear I have been feeling inside as a result of my stalker's abuse has been a burden on me for so long and I feel by talking about it, I will be more able to get past it all than if I was to remain silent. Speaking out about this has been extremely helpful to me both mentally and emotionally. I have a long journey ahead of me before all my inner wounds will be healed and even then, it's possible I will NEVER fully recover from my stalker's abuse due to the severity of his actions but I will continue to hold on to the hope that someday, I will be completely free from the chains that bind me inside this dark shell. I'm a firm believer that where there is hope, there is life. I WILL get my life back no matter what and I WILL survive what Dennis has done to me. It's only a matter of time. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ MORE GREAT NEWS! I just got word that my stalker has taken down his sick website about me:) I feel so much better knowing this but of course the scars from all the abuse I went through will take some time to heal. I do feel confident at this time I will eventually make a full recovery:) I'll just have to take it 1 day at a time. Although my stalker states his reason for removing the site on his front page, I'm still uncertain of the REAL reason why he took it down. In any case, at least now I can put closure to some things in my life without him hindering my recovery progress for the time being. Hopefully, things will continue to go positively for me and I will be able to persue the life I feel I deserve in the future. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ UNFORTUNATE BAD NEWS! The stalker strikes again! He put his sick website back up shortly after I expressed my happiness in the above notice. This is yet another attempt by him to torment me some more. I guess he just couldn't resist the urge to make me unhappy again. Well, I will still go on with my recovery and ignore his attention seeking antics. From this point on, the situation will be handled legally. I can not allow my stalker to ruin all that I have achieved in the past few months. I have to do what is best for me and not allow someone like my stalker to ruin anymore chances for me to have a happy and successful life. However, by him putting the site back up again only further proves what a vendictive sociopath he is so I'm not all that concerned anymore. I can't allow myself to be bothered by such pettiness. Unlike him, I have better things to do with my time and I have a life to build back up again. I plan to do just that with or without his cooperation. I refuse to let this get me down. I'm going to be happy again:) ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ MORE BAD NEWS BUT WITH A POSITIVE TWIST! The stalker's helper who goes by the name Judith has gotten in on the act now. She created a sick website about me containing my Social Security number and she created a defamatory discussion group about me as well. The positive side to this story is I was smart enough to change my Social Security number months ago so the 1 Judith has on file is no longer of any use. My new number has special security on it so nobody can use it but me. They tell you to NEVER give out your Social Security number to anyone because they can steal your identity but this situation just goes to prove you don't necessarily have to give it out yourself. A stalker can find out this information through illegal means and literally destroy their victim's life. Fortunately for me, I was smart enough to take special precautions to protect my identity. I'm still hanging tough at this time and I still plan on moving forward with my life in spite of all the attempts made by the stalker and his helper to hold me back in the shadows. My determination and desire to survive has increased even more than ever before because of this recent turn of events. I know it now more than ever I will overcome what these sad little Trolls are putting me through. I just have to remain strong and focused on all my goals in order to succeed in getting what I want the most, peace and happiness. I'm going to make it no matter what because I'm a true survivor:) ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ RATHER AMUSING NEWS UPDATE! My stalker's helper Judith aka "Steffy" wrote me 2 very interesting e-mails earlier. They were of course intended to harass and intimidate me but I will no longer let ANYONE get to me that way again. Another amusing twist to this story is she created her own website which is almost identical to this website. She took my own words and turned them around obviously because she lacks the originality to come up with anything on her own. I just looked at it and laughed because she sunk so low in her attempts to get back at me for telling the truth about how she set me up to take the fall for things that SHE did. LOL:) I have to laugh because getting angry would only feed into her weak little mind games and as a survivor, I refuse to sink down to her level. Being a survivor to me means not giving into the demands of the people who want to hurt me and bring me down. I have to remain strong inside in order to conquer them and reclaim my life. So, in the future I just have to keep reminding myself that my stalkers are nothing but sad, weak little Trolls who have nothing else better to do with their time than pick on their victims so they can feel superior and important. They can't accomplish this feeling of importance any other way because their lives are obviously nothing but garbage with no ambitions and no real success. I also have to remain focused on my goals and ignore all of the attempts my stalkers make to hinder my progress. I will NOT let them get to me again;) ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Miracles Do Happen:) It appears my stalker's sick website has made yet another disappearing act. While I am extremely pleased, I do hope with all my heart things remain as they are and the pain is officially over. Life is much too short for people to be hating each other. It's more important to love one another:) Now, I would like to make something abudantly clear in my own defense. I am in NO WAY bragging or claiming victory because my stalker's site is down. For me, this is justice and a chance for everyone involved to move on with their lives. It's time for letting go. 1 of the individuals involved in the attacks against me claimed once that I used this page to brag and celebrate my victory when my stalker's site went down the first time but the truth of the matter is, I merely post my thoughts here because this page serves as a place to vent my inner feelings. I feel it's much better doing it this way rather than taking out my anger or frustrations on other people. I know that isn't the right thing to do now so this page here is my safe haven to say what I feel without fear of conviction. That is all. I didn't create this page to hurt anyone. I only wanted to tell my story to the world in hopes of saving others from having to endure this same fate and at the same time I had the opportunity to express myself in the most constructive way possible without butting heads with anyone else directly. I do apologize if my words were taken out of context by anyone but these are my true feelings. I feel better inside now that I have been able to talk about this situation and my inner feelings as a result of everything that has happened to me. I have learned a lot from all my experiences both negative and positive but the most important lesson I learned is to be very careful who I get involved with in the future. Also, I will definitely make sure I know who's in charge of the discussion groups I join. I won't take anything at face value anymore. I will carefully look into every situation and person I encounter so this same thing doesn't happen to me ever again. In addition, I will be cautious of those who are out to hurt me but also the very best friend I can be to those who are kind to me. This is the only possible way I can think of to keep myself safe both online and off. Awareness, courage, and persistence is the key to a successful future;) Thank you for listening:) Hopefully, this will be my last update. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Stalker Dennis Strikes Again! It appears my stalker has once AGAIN put his website back up on the Internet in an attempt to harass and stalk me just like before. The only difference is, the pain is going to come back on HIM this time. My lawyer will do whatever is necessary to shut the obsessive creep down for good. It still puzzles me why my stalker is still so obsessed with me after all this time. My guess is he got bored with doing nothing and so he chose to target me again to prove in some sick way that he's still a man. It's also apparent he just needed some more cheap thrills under his belt to satisfy his thirst for revenge. For the record, I got word about this from a friend who's looking out for me online. I was informed that Dennis posted my full name in his new groups at Smartgroups after claiming they were getting attacked allegedly like the old ones he had before which he lost in early 2004 due to the fact he posted my name and personal information on those groups as well. Too bad he can't get a new routine. Anyway, Dennis has already been reported to Smartgroups for his actions so we'll see what happens in regards to the complaint I filed earlier with them. The odd thing is, my friend says nothing derogatory came through the new groups at all so it's a mystery as to why my stalker would claim such an untrue thing. Maybe his panic disorder is getting the better of him or something. Who knows? I personally think he just wanted an excuse to cause more trouble with me since it appears I'm his favorite pass time. In any case, I'm forced to fight legally against this monster once again. It's not something I'm particularly pleased with but at the same time, I know it's something I must do if I want to have any kind of happy, healthy future. I know I will come out on top no matter what because #1 I haven't done anything wrong and #2 I have a superb lawyer who is working to protect me from this sort of abuse. My family and friends are also there to support me whenever I need them. I have so much love all around me and this is what will keep me strong throughout this current situation. I'm going to survive this just like I survived all the previous attacks my stalker has inflicted on me;) If any additional information becomes available, I will be sure to post it here. Hopefully, this matter will get resolved soon. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ UPDATE! 9/12/2004 My stalker Dennis has now decided to try and discredit me to the many WebRings this site is part of by posting a message on his slanderous website about me pleading for my websites to be removed from them. It is my greatest hope that none of these people listen to him and realize all the pain I have suffered as a result of Dennis's lies and ongoing abuse. As I have stated before on this site, I do in fact have a lawyer who is currently working to resolve this situation. If anyone has any doubts about anything I have said here and needs to verify the validity of my statements, I will be more than happy to provide my lawyer's contact information so people will see that I'm telling the truth about all of this. This is not something I would make up. Recently, I created another website to basically tell my side of things and clear up all the misconseptions on Dennis's slanderous site. I can not post the link for it here for fear Dennis will try and sabotage it but I will however provide the link for the website in question to anyone who e-mails me privately requesting to view it. To the owners of the WebRings that currently feature my websites, please feel free to send me a message in my WebRing e-mail or personal e-mail and I will gladly provide the link to the new website for your review. I covered all the areas on Dennis's slanderous website about me which I felt were the most relevant. A lot of lies were told and I feel it's time the truth was revealed once and for all. My survival depends on it. So far, I have been surviving through all the abuse and I plan to continue doing just that no matter what else happens. I would like to note that this is not about revenge or some sick vendetta on my part. I'm not trying to play people against each other either like my stalker seems so intent on doing. I only want justice for myself and the opportunity to prove that I am and have been the victim of this Internet stalking mess since it all began years ago instead of the perpetrator Dennis has wrongly labeled me as. That's all. More updates to follow depending on how things go from here.
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